Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
