At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I think my moral compass just broke
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
