Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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