Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
