Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Randomize
