i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
