Where are you?
In a non slutty way
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
