i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Randomize
