take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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