Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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