Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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