Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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