I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
