decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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