forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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