life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
