He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
