If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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