the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
