Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize