So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
