Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It's rum buckets o'clock
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
