I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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