I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
