I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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