I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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