Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize