it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
