Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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