This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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