your parents love me but you hate me
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
