the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
