I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
