so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
