I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
