its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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