We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
