My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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