he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
