highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Four minutes until I can fart!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
