you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Boobs are out for the taking
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
