4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
