In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
