I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
