i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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