dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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