Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
