just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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