cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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