I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
