this just has baby written all over it
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
