Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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