Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I want a musical about memes.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize