The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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