I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
