A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
