i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
