I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
