literally had 100 drinks last night.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
