That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
