I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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