Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
