I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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