Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
