so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
