Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
