dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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